quality or control?
Do you measure your success as a parent by the quality of the relationship or by how effectively you can control your child?
Most parents would answer instantly, that it is the quality of their relationship more than control. Some parents don’t think of themselves as controlling yet exhibit controlling behavior through subconscious manipulative habits. This isn’t because parents are “bad”. This is because parenting is hard AF and when we can create convenience for ourselves while parenting our children, we often will. For one thing, children by design are meant to test parents. And this isn’t because children are “bad” either. I believe children have the inherited purpose to help parents grow in areas we probably never considered. Our skills of patience and kindness are groomed and our ability to hold boundaries progresses, all through our parenting experiences. (Now, if you don’t believe you have patience, perhaps you haven’t started small and given yourself a pat on the back for the times you didn’t lose your sh*t. There’s still time, start today!) As parents, we have the inherited purpose to guide our children, while learning how to be our best selves. Children are often a parent’s biggest motivator to work harder and be our best, especially when we know they are watching. By the way, they’re always watching.
So, for the parents that immediately answer quality over control; I challenge you to ask yourself the question again, in journal form, and keep the answer sacred- only you need to know the answer, and this keeps your answer honest. Then ask again and again. Throughout the day ask yourself if your action/reaction was based on fear or love. Fear is often followed by control. Love is often followed by acceptance.
Here’s an example of what I mean; Your child has a chore of cleaning the kitchen every night. You notice it’s getting late and you casually and kindly remind your child that the kitchen still needs cleaning. But to your disappointment, your child does not jump up to clean the kitchen, they say “ok” (or they say nothing), and continue doing whatever they were doing when you made your comment.
side note The above images show an example of what “connection before correction” looks like for my then 4 year old daughter. She had a meltdown in a restaurant because I asked her to use the bathroom. (if you’re reading this, you know better than to put logic to a meltdown lol)
Here I am, start to finish, at my attempt to connect through being silly with her (she loves silly-time). After our little photo shoot we were all good and she willingly went to the bathroom. No yelling from me required.
Fear could look like this:
*your subconscious thoughts* I feel unseen, unappreciated and dismissed. (Likely a familiar feeling from your own childhood). I feel hurt to be ignored by someone I do so much for and love so much. If they do this now, how will they turn out in their adulthood? Also, will they keep a dirty house?! Does this mean they will be no match for a mate because they do not keep a tidy home or care about hygiene? (And down you go, into the black hole of negative possibilities)
*your inner/conscious thoughts* he/she doesn’t respect me or appreciate what I do for this family. I cooked dinner and the agreement was for him/her to clean the kitchen nightly, but I’m being ignored. Now I’m pissed.
*your actions* Yelling, threats, punishment for not cleaning the kitchen (and everything else that we are upset about but allowed to build up to this point)
Now, consider what love could look like:
*your subconscious thoughts* I feel unseen, unappreciated and dismissed. SAME as in the “fear” scenario, because these are subconscious thoughts. You are the same person with the same lived experiences. However, when leading with love rather than fear, you can interrupt your path down the tunnel of doom and consider that your experiences have nothing to do with your child in that moment, and they likely aren’t even thinking what you are thinking. They’re just wrapped up in what they are doing, just as we all are when we are in the middle of doing something.
*your inner/conscious thoughts* he/she doesn’t respect me or appreciate what I do for this family. I cooked dinner and the agreement was for him/her to clean the kitchen nightly, but I’m being ignored. Now I’m pissed.
(Starts off the same as fear right? But check this out)
You pause, and ask yourself ‘are these assumptions fact?’ The answer is no, you don’t know for certain that your child does not appreciate you or respect you, because if you think back, there are times when you feel very respected and appreciated by your child. So now, you can ask questions…
*your actions* After you have noticed your inner thoughts are taking you into a space of anger and hurt feelings, you can breathe deep and make space to show yourself some love. This is important. More important than chastising your child for not cleaning. And, this self-love needs only a few minutes of time. This is an important step because once you acknowledge your own feelings, you can see your child’s feelings too. You’re self-regulated when you feel loved and seen- even and especially when it’s you that is seeing and loving yourself. This could look like going to your room to take deep breaths and remind yourself that no matter how anyone responds to you, you are loved and of great value. Sounds cheesy, but it works. Once that’s out the way, the anger has subsided, and you can begin the interaction with connection before correction. This means, showing interest with what your child is doing, making conversation, asking them questions about their day and keeping things light and casual. Forget about the dishes for a minute. Essentially, you are making time to see and acknowledge your child, before giving orders. This often relaxes people. Can you imagine someone telling you what to do and when to do it without at least checking in with you and your interests first? Think about how that can feel. Children deal with it frequently throughout the day. This often pisses them off too LOL. So to keep the peace, again, start with connection before correction. Once the act of love is established, in my experience, children are often more accommodating.
You may ask, isn’t this also manipulation? Some could say so. But because this strengthens the bond between you and your child, no one loses. It’s human behavior to manipulate. Babies manipulate when crying to get food. They learn early on that this is a way to get attention and to get what they need. But it is not malicious. Because parents are leaders, we must first see our children, to model what that looks like and in turn, they will see us. It’s that simple. Not easy, because we have to unlearn some stuff and learn new practices. But it is simple. You model for your child what you want, and eventually they pick up the same behavior traits. Meanwhile, you are doing the work to see yourself when they are developmentally unable to.
This blog has been directed toward parents who have learned and been socialized to prioritize their child’s compliance over the quality of the relationship. But let me say, this is all of us at one time or another. There is no perfect or bad parent that always does anything. We all show up for our children just as they need us to, and we all fall short from that too. My favorite saying right now is “practice makes progress” because through my own journey, I have noticed how practice has sharpened my parenting skills, and helped me see just a little bit faster each day, how I can progress even more. So keep doing your best, it’s enough for now, until you create a new “best”.
Your ultimate mama supporter,
Yaya, the Go Hard Mama
