mourning your child turned teenager

When I announced the pregnancy of my first child, a baby girl, so many people paired their excitement with forewarnings of how difficult teenage years would be, specifically teenage girls. Although I respected their points of view, it bothered me in a way that sparked probably my first intentional parenting moment- I would NOT subscribe to the narrative that all teenage girls are stressful and the relationship would be tattered and full of torture. 

Now, 14 years later, here I am, a parenting coach, reading, researching, reflecting, discussing and coaching other parents on how to be our best parenting selves while entering into the often unknown attitudes, and choices our children make. When people ask me, “how is it having a teenager?” I often respond: “It’s an adventure”. Because it is. Parenthood, motherhood specifically, is an adventure for sure, and parenting a teenager is definitely a world of unknowns.  

Now of course I was warned. I was told of the “bad attitudes”, rebellion, audacity, etc. But because I’ve chosen to reframe how I believe children and teens should be in the world, thankfully, I have yet to experience those things. Well, most of those things. Don’t get me wrong, I still sometimes fall into the temporary belief that my teen is giving a bad attitude (because really, she’s hormonal and might be having a tough day, don’t we all?), but I have practiced reframing all of my parenting (and life) circumstances so that parenting is not happening to me, yet happening for me. For example, asking myself “why does her mood impact how I feel?”, and deeply reflect on that. I’m the leader, I lead with how to approach life, not the other way around. I certainly wouldn’t want my child’s positive energy to be altered by someone else’s somber mood, so how am I modeling that?  This might sound difficult to do regularly, which is why I emphasize the term practice, and the primary ingredients for successful parenting which include intentionality and self-reflection. 

Intention and self-reflection are the cornerstones of impactful parenting. Why? Because we cannot change the perspective of being a victim to our child’s behavior without first setting our intentions as a parent, and then most importantly, reflecting on why we believe what we believe about childhood behavior. 

What I have come to find is that my beliefs around the parent-child dynamic were shaped by how I was parented, how my parents were parented, and so on. And like many of us, those beliefs included; no room for self-expression, (especially if the emotion is anger, sadness, or disappointment), no room to disagree, and very little room to make life choices. On the surface, it makes sense that we as parents need to hold a standard of respect, but how we define respect first needs to be clear for us, in order to show our children what respect looks like. For example, as a child, if I were to challenge my parent’s decision on something, no matter how “respectful” my tone was, the act alone would be seen as disrespectful. It might either anger my father or hurt his feelings- in which I would be held responsible for either of those emotions. So naturally, as a child with little power in this dynamic, I often censored myself. Maybe you’ve been discouraged from making your own decisions as a child because your parents insisted the decision you were going to make was a poor one. This implies distrust from your parents and develops into the belief that you cannot trust yourself. Here’s a clue that your childhood looked like this; you feel nervous or anxious when making decisions, you rely on others to decide for you, you often feel indecisive and are heavy on the no-risk lifestyle. Basically, you were not given the space to make choices that result in mistakes. You were not given the space to learn from mistakes, but rather run from them, which could definitely result in fear of making high-stake choices as an adult today. 

But anyway, back to mourning my child’s childhood. Yes, being a mother to a teenager can be hard. I continue to be presented with the challenge of not taking moods personally, setting boundaries, upholding the expectation of respect, exercising consistent respect to my child and so on. But this child of mine, she’s not the child she once was. She’s a 14 year old, and evolution would have it that she practices how to move in the world as an adult. The reason I am mourning this is because I LIVED for guiding her, showing and telling her what to do. And although I am still doing those things, much of it is from the backseat and full of quiet observation. Observing with silence while your child is making a less than desirable choice is scary and hard AF! But one of my values is to give space for my children to make mistakes and fail often, so they build grit, learn who they are, and sharpen their problem-solving skills. Still, hard though, hence my use of the word “practice”- because this requires a lot of that! 

I mourn because this is the end of a relationship and the beginning of a new one. Reading her bedtime stories is over, and even preparing her meals are becoming less frequent. Now I am not mad at the decrease in maternal labor but the increase in her independence is a constant reminder that she is not my baby girl anymore. She is a young woman. And as I hold on to the memories of her first steps, her first words, watching her learn to read and ride a bike, part of my grief is loving those experiences while embracing new ones. 

If this sounds like you, a perspective shift might do you and your teen good. And if you are struggling with seeing your baby transition into a teenager, think of the fun things that come with this growth. For me, that’s finally watching R-rated classics! Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to watch FRIDAY with my teen? On a serious note, watching my teen assess and then practice decision-making is actually quite beautiful when I replace the fear of her making mistakes with the acceptance of her growth. Again, say it with me…. This takes practice. 

Wishing all you intentional parents well as you embark on this new unknown journey of parenting a teen. *warm hug* 

Yaya, the mama supporter