are you a people pleaser and a parent?
For those of us parents over 40 (and 30s for some), you are likely in the life stage of reflection and self-acknowledgement- particularly in areas you don’t really like about yourself, so as not to pass those traits down to your children. If being a “people-pleaser” is one of those unfavorable traits, keep reading, I have promising news.
I’m a people-pleaser by design. Meaning, I learned at an early age that keeping adults around me happy with my existence meant security, love, and praise. I’ve met other parents that claim being a people-pleaser too, especially mothers. Now, that could be because I speak to more mothers than fathers, or maybe (likely) many young girls are socialized to be accommodating. (I.e. domestically skilled, quiet aka “lady like”, gentle, etc.) But boys are not exempt from being people-pleasers too. We have our “Kings” of the house, particularly when an adult male is not consistently present, the young son is expected to be the protector, and be aggressive beyond their comfort. So basically, we can all carry these traits, and most of us do. Now as I often do, I’ll start by giving our parents grace. They did the best they could and many of our parents were in survival mode (playing checkers not chess when it comes to parenting and life in general). Now that we can acknowledge our parents did the best they could, but still played a part in why we are questioning our own parenting, we can get curious.
Whether we developed this trait from years of guilt; such as ownership of our parents hurt or disappointed feelings, or anger and violence; such as unreasonable punishments, yelling, or hitting, many of us were “whipped into shape” as children. If not healed, we still move through life choosing how we react based on someone else’s moods, decisions, and life views.
Sound like you? Sounds like me! Anyway, one thing I noticed is that having children brings me to a crossroad. I can either continue people-pleasing, or I can choose and set a boundary to stop that shit right here and now (with patience and practice of course). Why is it that our children have us realizing and working to resolve these kinds of things? Because we see how people-pleasing in particular has led us to make some decisions that did not serve us, and we do not want them moving through life without authenticity. We want our children to be themselves and live their life with their own purpose.
Also, if you are a parent to more than one child, you realize quickly that you cannot please everyone! And as bad as you want all of your children to have smiles, somebody’s goin’ be mad. Eventually, you begin to care less. Not because you don’t care about your child, but because you know something has to give. Here’s where I began to notice my own parental and personal growth. Where once I struggled with guilt and even anger in response to my children’s disappointment, I now see the value in them experiencing the inevitable disappointments in life. My perspective has shifted. Where I once worked hard to protect them from pain, I now focus on helping them figure out how to manage their painful experiences. Because just as we learn from our mistakes, we learn from our pain too. That’s why pain is necessary. And the sooner they figure out how to manage their pain and disappointment, the lower the risks and the higher chances they will figure out what works best for them when they are adults in the real world when the stakes are high.
But anyway, people-pleasing. Right. So that’s how my self-work benefits them. But it has already begun to serve me in other areas of my life. I’ve begun to ask myself in a real way “what do I want?”. Not just in the moment, but in life. Who am I really, when I’m not trying to keep the peace or be liked by someone I love? My children bring this out of me because I love them more than anyone else in this world and I desperately do not want them to live for someone else’s approval or acceptance. So it’s critical that I move differently, with them and especially around them. I also know that my children will forgive me. Children are very forgiving. Probably the most forgiving people you have in your life. While they have feelings and their forgiving spirit will dwindle if met with consistent heartache you cause and little or no sincere apologies, they really want to be loved, and love you unconditionally. Knowing that, means that I can truly be myself, and although the shift in my approach may be hard for them to accept at first, they will know the authentic me and have no choice but to respect it, eventually lol. My job is to lead and guide them, not control them or their feelings- I trust them to figure out how to manage their feelings, and I’m here to give them encouragement, love and help along their way.
When I practice holding boundaries with them, my skin thickens and I can better handle their disappointment, anger, and rants because I know, my boundary is rooted in what sustains my health and well-being and therefore their health and well-being. And honestly, holding boundaries with my children makes people-pleasing less of an issue for me when dealing with others in my life. So, it’s a win-win. I sharpen my skills and become less and less dependent on being liked by others, because I like myself even more, and my children get to see what that looks like and follow suit.
I hope these words encourage my fellow/former people-pleasers. Remember, you’re doing great.
With love,
Your Mama Supporter,
Yaya
